Haggis at the ready: How to host a Burns Night Supper

Burns Night is around the corner on Wednesday 25th January, perfect if you’re bored of being skint and a social hermit. So chin up and invite your mates round for a traditional Burns Night supper. Here’s some ideas to smash the hell out of hosting…

SCRAN

No s*** Sherlock time: haggis, neaps and tatties! It’s dead easy to make so have a wee try…

Haggis: if you’re wondering what the chuff haggis is, it’s basically minced up lamb, beef, onion, oats and spices… Ok, so the meat includes liver, lungs, and heart, but it tastes delish so live a little and try it. You can also buy veggie haggis which subs in kidney beans and lentils for your veggie mates or fussy eaters.

Buy it from the supermarket or your local butchers. You cook it by simmering it in water – follow the instructions on the pack as it’ll vary for weight.

Neaps: are turnip for non-Scottish southern softies. Or swede. Who really knows the difference? (Feel free to Google it but be warned – it’s bloody confusing.) Boil and mash. Done.

Tatties: boil potatoes, mash up, add butter and a splash of milk, mash up, serve. You know the drill.

Pud: a cheese board and oatcakes go without saying. If you want to make something sweet and also pish to make, Scottish tablet is the way to go. It has three ingredients: sugar, condensed milk and butter. You can throw in vanilla too. What’s not to love?! It’s kinda like fudge but less squidgy, more crumbly. For those who have’nay had it, prepare yourself for deliciousness and potentially diabetes. (Don’t sue us please).

SAY A PRAYER

Nope, this isn’t the Madonna version (a classic though, obviously). At a traditional Burns Night you say the Selkirk Grace in your finest (inoffensive) Scottish accent…

Some hae meat and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

Sae let the Lord be thankit.

If you’re going all out you can also do An Ode to a Haggis, a poem by the main man Burnsy himself. If you have any mates that bagpipe on the sideline (who doesn’t, right?!). They could pipe away some tunes as you bring the haggis out.

GI’E US A NIP A WHISKY

For a cracking Burns Night ask your pals to bring some whisky. Either go hardcore Scots: neat with a drop of water, or if your lads and lassies aren’t that bold, go for whisky cocktails instead. An Old Fashioned is a classic, it’s also what Ryan Gosling made Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid, Love (ahem, I may have seen this an unhealthy amount of times), so naturally we’re sold.

And if there’s any dry January killjoys healthy folk they can hit up the classic Robbie Burns fave, Irn Bru.* The drink so orange it gives Donald Trump’s face a run for his money.

*Disclaimer: Not factually correct… since Irn Bru was introduced over a century after Robbie Burns’ death, but he’d surely be the face of it.

DONALD WHERE’S YOUR TROOSERS

Sort your music out before it becomes a desperate plea to find something that isn’t Donald Where’s Your Troosers on repeat (possibly the weirdest song ever – about a bloke wearing a kilt, but Scots bloody love it)

If any of your mates play the bagpipes, well WOW. They’re probably busy at a proper Burns bash complete with a Cèilidh (just sent spellcheck into meltdown with that). So, we suggest if you don’t want to make your neighbours or friends hate you, you choose some Scottish bands rather than pipes…

We reckon start with a look-how-f***ing-cool-I-am playlist (which also nears dangerously close to yes-I-am-a-hipster-w***er playlist so BE careful). Shove a bit of Biffy Clyro, The View, Chvrches, Mogwai and Belle & Sebastian on it. Fife singer-songwriter King Creosote tops this list off nicely.

Once everyone is steaming drunk, then it’s time to crank out the So-80s-Kylie-and-Jason-might-feature playlist. Annie Lennox, Simple Minds, Deacon Blue, Wet Wet Wet, Big Country, Primal Scream… So. Many. Choices. The Proclaimers better be high up there, otherwise we’re judging.

If you or your mates are likely to go mad wae it (aka get drunk) you might have to do an emergency So-bad-but-you-won’t-remember-it anyway playlist which includes the almighty, you guessed it, Donald Where’s Your Troosers.

Are you hosting a Burns Night supper on 25 January? Let us know – @tweetjanes.