With Spring starting, it’s time for the inevitable wedding season to start. Get your glad rags on and read our tips on being the perfect wedding guest…

The perfect wedding guest

Wedding Guest Perfection

First off…

GET UP

Now there’s lots of things to consider when sorting out your wedding outfit. But first off, some ground rules: do not under any circumstances (OK, unless it’s themed or fancy dress) wear a white dress (or any variation of it) – you’ll look mega cringe.

Keep it classy and not too revealing, don’t go for boobs/back/legs out all at the same time and give all the oldies a heart attack. Similarly sort your undies out. It’s 2016, there’s all sorts on the market bra- and pants-wise, so there’s no excuse to have bra straps or pant lines showing, or God forbid nipples. Top tip if you’re going braless and don’t want the nickname “bullets/peanuts etc”: nipple daisies are OK, but we love silicon nipple covers – proper bargain too, yay!

Judge the season and venue for what style and colours you go for. Spring/summer weddings are a perfect excuse for bright and bold patterns. If that’s too out there for you, then floral, lace and pastels will work a treat too.

Whilst we love being stylish, try not to go too on “fleek”. OK yeah, we’re not really sure what the chuff that means either, but basically don’t do all the trends. Rocking a bomber, jumpsuit and jelly shoes looks super cool generally, but at a wedding you will look bizarre and no doubt be referred to by Uncle Graham as “that lass in the pyjama onesie”.

Printed Pinny Prom Dress, Asos, £75

Perfect wedding guest outfit

PRESSI-QUETTE

Gerrit? 😉 This one’s simple, don’t be a tight-arse. Buy them a pressie. Even if they put some weird waffly poem in about how they really only want your company. They’re probably lying. And it’s only polite after they’ve planned and invited you to an epic party…ahem, wedding.

Experiences or meals are a lovely pressie for a couple who will be no doubt be skint afterwards, then they’ll have a fun date already lined up for their married life.

If they’ve got a list get in there quick before all you’re left with is a bog brush. Tread carefully going off-list and get them something that they’d like. And yes we’re looking at you Great Aunty Anne, no one is going to need plates with couple initials on. EVER.

Summer wedding prosecco

EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY

Unless you don’t drink, are pregnant or at a *shudder* dry wedding you’re basically getting battered at this thing. Think of this as a marathon, keep hydrated or YOU WILL DIE (trust us). Drink as much water as you possibly can.

There’s usually a shed load of wine flowing at these affairs (whoop!). So if you don’t drink wine, bring cash so you can get something else at the bar and don’t moan about it. It’s not their fault you’re a weirdo.

Do have a hearty brunch to line your stomach. You don’t want to be jumping on the waiter for a salmon canapé to take the hunger pangs off when you’re four glasses of prosecco in. Unless he’s hot/single obviously! (We’re not that cruel.)

Also, make sure you have your hangover cure and painkillers ready for the next morning and prepare to feel like death.

And if you’re not drinking, frolic, dance and take photos to show everyone what total tits they made of themselves the next day.

Ideal wedding guest

GET THE PARTY STARTED

We know, weddings are lots of fun anyway, but if you want to crank it up a notch, get the ball rolling with some games during the meal. A classic is a sweepstake on speeches: how long the speeches are from the very first word uttered to the last. This is great fun, and keeps everyone lively if the speeches are a snooze fest. Check with the bride/groom first in case gambling will offend anyone, or just hide from said offended people.

A great drinking game around the speeches is speech bingo. You all put a word in a glass e.g. love, wedding, bride…then pick one out and if anyone says it in the speech you have to drink. Dangerous, but hilarious.

Wedding guest dancing

BE THE HERO

You got 99 problems but… No one cares. No, really. Weddings are a magical time, where you put all your s*** aside, celebrate two people’s love for each other, chat, sing, dance, get very drunk, and have a bloody good time. If you don’t like the food/music/hotel room/creepy Uncle Bob, keep it on the low, definitely don’t tell the bride or groom, or anyone else in fact. And if you happen to sit near a mood-hoover, take one for the team and listen, then try and twist the chat into something lighthearted, or if that fails turn it into a drinking game. (Hey we’re trying here?!)

Be the party starter, be the one that dances first with Granny G, be the one that buys shots, hug and kiss everyone, take silly photos, tell everyone how gorgeous they look, let your hair down, eat and drink too much, have an awesome time and don’t forget to thank the bride and groom for a fanf***ing-tastic wedding.

Nailed it. #perfectweddingguest

Wedding guest top tips

Got any tips to add to be the perfect wedding guest? Share with us – @tweetjanes.


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