You’ve told your date you love wine and against all odds he hung on your every word and somehow got the ludicrous idea you know how to order it. You’ve played the career women convincingly well but it all falls apart when you’re designated the table’s wine taster – you’ve no idea what it’s supposed to taste like! Sound familiar? You need 5 minutes on how to sound like a wine connoisseur…

Show Me the Way to Chardonnay

Experts in modern day fakery, the contemporary woman has been blagging her way to the top, faking confidence, faking boobs and faking orgasms since the beginning of time – why should wine tasting be any different? Beyond stopping men in their tracks, a working knowledge of wine can bring a whole new level of enjoyment to your holiday, weekend or raunchy evening at home. It’s time to learn some corking tips!

1. Wine list = con list

Remember you’re a wine connoisseur, not a wine amateur. It’s time to stop playing it safe by choosing the second cheapest wine on the list – that’s where most venues put the shabby stuff they want to get rid of! Also, remember the least said about house wines the better! Avoid the money trap by finding the average bottle on the list and then picking something medium price to get value for your cash.

2. Red heavy, white light

Bonnie and Clyde, Angelina and Brad, Posh and Becks – even wines need a good partner. However, just like any 21st century romance, it’s not always a match made in heaven. Forget the old formula of red meat with red wine and white wine with white meat – even the wines are swinging in this day and age! Keep it simple – as a rule, order reds with heavier meals and whites with lighter dishes.

3. If Katie Price was a wine…

Wines are like celebrities – typically the most popular command the biggest price (five times the market rate!), since they’re easily recognisable and common choices. Why not mix it up and opt for an Italian prosecco in place of Champagne or a Spanish Rioja instead of a Bourdeaux?

4. A little homework goes a long way

Got a business lunch planned? Most restaurants have wine lists online, which allow you to study up beforehand. Who knows one good wine choice might be the window to your manager’s heart!

5. Don’t fill your glass

The glass may behalf empty, but that’s not always a bad thing. The correct way to serve wine is to fill up a third of the glass, this way there’s plenty of room to swirl the wine and let the flavours develop-just like your wine knowledge!

6. Learn the jargon!

It’s all waffle, but when describing wine, merchants, waiters and showy acquaintances are bound to suffer from a bad case of verbal diarrhoea. It’s time to learn the jargon and cement these terms in your memory:

Body – the weight of wine in your mouth.
Crisp – refreshing and acidic
Dry – not sweet
Finish – the impression a wine leaves as you swallow it
Fruity – a wine with flavours that suggest fruit as oppose to sweetness
Oaky – a wine that has smoky, toasty flavours

Just remember you can’t buy happiness, but you can buy wine and that’s kind of the same thing – BUY IT WELL!


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